smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
