I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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