And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
