yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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