let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
