What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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