there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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