so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
