i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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