She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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