I cannot find my penis.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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