My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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