jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
