I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
