I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Ketchup is God's man juice
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
