Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
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I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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