turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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