I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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