Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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