I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
