I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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