Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
