my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My day in three words: secret purse cake
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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