Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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