I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
