there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
