I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
