I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
