I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
