my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Can vaginas get frostbite?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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