she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
