Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
