I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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