You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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