I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
