i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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