you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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