And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
