dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
