just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
