I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
