Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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