new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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