I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
