He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
