Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
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Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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