Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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