Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
