I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
