i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Also, beer. Big fan.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Randomize
