i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Someone came in the potted fern
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
