After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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