Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
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At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
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So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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