I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Someone came in the potted fern
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
