I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
